


Not Yet

by Hawkeye733



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endverse, Episode: s05e04 The End, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-23
Updated: 2013-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-12 18:23:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/814601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkeye733/pseuds/Hawkeye733
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lots of things went unspoken in The End. But this time we aren't watching from Past Dean's point of view</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Yet

“You haven’t told him, have you?”

“Told him what?”

Dean narrowed his eyes at the former angel deliberately playing dumb.

“What? There’s a lot of things that Past You doesn’t know. But,” Cas gave in, yielding to the fed-up-with-your-crap look he was receiving from the taller man “I guess you’re meaning our history.”

“That and... about you. You can’t tell him…me, why you fell. There’s only so much he, I, we can take and well, that’s just a whole heap of crap he won’t understand.”

Cas levelled him a steady look. “Dean,”

“Just don’t.”

“So your problem isn't how he’ll take it. It’s the fact you still can’t accept,” he paused to meet the hunter’s eyes, stepping closer, “that I did it for you. I wonder if he might actually understand better than you do.”

“Cas,” Dean’s voice sounds more broken this time. “Stop.”

“No. _I_ did it for you. _I_ chose this and _you_ have to stop taking the blame, making yourself feel guilty. I wanted to stay here. I chose to stay with you.”

“Just,” Dean had turned his face away, “leave him alone. Don’t talk to him.” The hunter’s tone was angry now. “Don’t tell him what we are. Whatever we are. Or were.” The last words came out crueller than he expected and he saw Cas’s face darken. Crap.

“You know Zachariah sent him here for a reason. To teach him a lesson. Perhaps the full story would be more beneficial. Let him see all the mistakes you’ve made?” Dean stepped forwards, apology in his eyes. Cas stepped back. “Well you can relax. Your delicate past self hasn’t even figured out I lost my grace. He thinks I’m just an angel-gone-wild.”

“Don’t…”

“Don’t what?” He cut Dean off with irritation.

Dean stepped forwards and pulled Cas towards him with a hand on the back of his head. His lips found the smaller man’s in a fiery frenzy and he felt Cas stiffen against him in surprise. It was the first time he had initiated anything for a long time and Cas took a moment to adjust before pressing in, surrendering himself to feelings he had suppressed for months, possibly years at this point and thoroughly kissing back.

When they pulled back Cas’ blue eyes shone with a world of meaning; joy, a hint of confusion and worst of all: adoration.

“Don’t be angry.” Dean finished. Cas, still smiling, saw the dark, conflicted look in Dean’s face, correctly interpreting it as a sign that Dean was still in the same stagnant pool of emotional retardation, unable to accept his true feelings for his best friend since they had mutually admitted them years before, almost at the beginning of the apocalypse. Immediately Cas’s own face closed down, the emotions in his features suddenly cut off.

“That is not what I fell for.” Cas said in a hollow voice, the feeling of being used or manipulated like a sharp shock of cold water, just when it seemed like they might have been making forward progress. Then he stalked out of the cabin. His own cabin, to make Dean feel even worse.

 

>><<>><<>><<>><<>><< 

 

Later, in his cabin, Dean stood waiting. His past self sat uncomfortably in the corner. Risa was also standing between them. When he asked her any questions she gave short answers, leaving no room for discussion or even for friendly chat. For some reason his attempts to start conversation with her being shut down so quickly seemed to amuse his other self. His present self decided to let it slide.

Cas was running late. It was clearly deliberate but Dean knew he could rely on him to turn up, at some point.

When he did saunter through the door Dean caught his past self eyeing the familiar yet unrecognisable figure warily.

“Cas.” He greeted in as neutral a voice as possible. It still made Castiel look at him, warningly giving a small shake of his head, before heading straight for the liquor supply and helping himself. He then sat at the opposite end of the table, put his feet up and stared pointedly at the map in front of him. The meeting was ready to start, apparently.

Throughout their discussion he tried to ignore Cas’s commentary, his jibes perhaps a little more sarcastic than usual.

Dean’s jaw tightened when Cas once again called him their ‘Fearless’ leader, the choice of words feeling particularly unsuitable at this moment. He almost missed the slight way the man’s voice softened and he looked away as he continued, “is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth.” Cas barely concealed his distaste for Dean’s regression to his torturing skills, although they hardly discussed it. Just one example of the unpleasant lives they had resorted to through lack of any other choice. But the comment still didn’t pass by the younger doppelganger and his _righteous_ indignation obviously tickled the graceless angel.

The laughing, “What? I like _past_ you.” carried far more meaning than he hoped the others were able to pick up on and he glared at Cas for his lack of subtlety.

Finally when the big question came, Dean held his breath. “Are you coming?” He hoped – the idea of praying had long since proven pointless, after all – that maybe just this once the answer would be a refusal.

“Of course,” Dean’s gut clenched, as if he had expected any different response but there was no going back now. “But why is he? I mean, he’s you five years ago. If something happens to him, you’re gone, right?”

“He’s coming.” He barked, no time to sound soft in front of this crowd.

“Okay.” Cas replied, resigned as he moved to get up. “Well uh, I’ll get the grunts moving.”

“We’re loaded and on the road by midnight.” Dean ordered

“Alrighty.” Cas called over his shoulder as he walked out the door, for the second time that day walking out on Dean, who tried to ignore the unwanted connection.

 

>><<>><<>><<>><<>><< 

 

“I’ll drive.” Cas called to Chuck, who was overseeing the loading of kit into trucks and needed to know how many they were taking. So far they were in need of one more.

“Okay, sorted. Thanks Cas, we’ll be ready to go in ten.” Chuck said hurriedly, his mind focused on the coordination effort.

Cas observed as the past Dean slowly edged further toward him and further from his future self. Considering what he was seeing, Castiel couldn’t exactly blame him for trying to deny the man he would change into.

Castiel also didn’t miss the sideways frowns his Dean kept giving the other Dean – obviously, despite their disagreement, still thinking that the doppelganger would be best left unencumbered by some of Cas’ truths. The former angel smiled pitilessly at the way Dean had backed himself into a corner and now couldn’t say anything to separate the two of them without raising forbidden questions.

As it came to them teaming off to get into cars the strategising was unmistakeable. Past Dean practically dived around Risa to put her between himself and his future incarnate. The older Dean frowned and made to say something but Cas got in there first.

“Alright Dean mark 2, you’re riding with me.” He called cheerfully. Both Dean’s stepped towards him, Cas smirking at the matching scowls on their faces.

“Why am I mark 2? Surely I came first.” The less battle-worn complained.

“Not in this time zone, sunshine.” Castiel fixed a grin on his face and looked towards his Dean, head tilted in a clear, childish gesture ‘ _haha, I win_ ’. The other Dean pulled up short then, looking between the two of them and trying to understand what he had missed. Shrugging and obviously deciding he would probably rather not know, he walked to the other side of the vehicle to climb in.

Castiel turned to open the driver’s door but a hand gripping his elbow stopped him. He turned back around with an exasperated sigh, meeting Dean’s eyes with a stubborn gaze.

“You understand this needs to be done right, yeah?” Dean said quietly, so the sincere tone creeping into his voice wouldn’t be heard by the others nearby. “He could be our only chance. He could sort out this whole…mess before it ever happens.”

Cas glared at him but Dean cut him off before he managed to make a comment.

“And you know I don’t mean that Cas, don’t even pretend. I mean he could fix everything else, stop the angels leaving, just say yes.”

“Starting to regret some of your decisions?”

“You know I am.”

 Cas smiled gently as he reached for the door handle, hand brushing up Dean’s arm before he climbed into his car. By the time he reached to close the door behind him the hunter was already walking away to his own car.

The Dean now sat next to him gave him a sideways glance, obviously wanting to know what his hushed words with the camp leader had been about but just as obviously he was still unsure where he stood with the ex-angel in this time. What this Cas thought of him. Castiel chuckled to himself as the cars started to pull away, if only the Dean from the past did know what he really thought. He touched fingers to his forehead in a salute to Chuck who stood waving them off as he lazily wheeled the car onto the track.

 

>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<

 

As they drove he consciously ignored the way this Dean was sat leaning slightly away from Cas, confused and wary. When the road started to lull him to sleep he began fishing around the dashboard until his fingers knocked the bottle with the telltale rattle and triumphantly he popped the cap of the stimulants. When Dean reached for them he was vaguely surprised until the frown on the other man’s face registered. Cas decided to tease him anyway, leading to Dean snatching the bottle from his hands a little forcefully. 

He told himself he wasn’t going to reply to the out-of-timer and his questions about Castiel’s change in character. After all if he started with the stories of what had happened it could lead to some awkward questions which, despite his earlier bravado, Cas knew it wasn’t the right time for Dean to know the answers to. However when he looked at the old Dean’s face full of confusion, dejection and other emotions he couldn’t - or wouldn’t - identify he realised some explanation was needed. The important points, at least.

“Dean, I’m not an angel anymore.”

“What?” Dean turned, wide, shocked eyes to him.

“Yeah, I went mortal.”

“What do you mean? How?” Cas looked at him carefully. The answer to the unspoken question – _why?_ –floated around his head but as he looked at the older Dean’s car driving in front, he held his tongue.

So he explained the how. His powers ‘drained away’. He neglected to mention the utter despair he felt as all had fallen into silence inside his head, the days he had spent hunched in his cabin, not allowing anyone to see him. Two weeks spent lying in bed, delirious on the drugs they had given him and, despite the horse-dropping dose, still twisting and writhing in the sweaty sheets. The bright trails his fingers left in the air as he waved them in front of his face had briefly convinced him he was still in heaven and everything had been some kind of dream. He recalled the one feeling that had pulled him back and anchored him, reality crashing back down on him like the weight of a collapsing building. One thought he had known could not just be in his imagination. _Dean._

Who could have blamed him for allowing the delirium inducing drugs to replace the empty space in him where his mighty grace used to fit so easily.

So here in this truck Cas wisely focused on the how and the simplest issue - a broken foot - resulting from his loss of powers – his broken foot. He passed lightly over the dragging feeling of uselessness he still struggled with. Wallowing was not a justifiable way to pass the time these days.

“So you’re human. Well, welcome to the club.” Dean made a weak joke of it. Cas glanced at him with a sarcastic, distracted ‘thanks’. He’d forgotten the humour Dean used to have, his ability to make every situation seem lighter. Cas didn’t allow himself to miss that.

“But I used to belong to a much better club.” Dry wit, he had found, proved an effective defence mechanism. Again, there was no need to let Dean know why he’d turned his back on the power of heaven. “I mean, why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence.” And you.

“It’s the end, baby. That’s what decadence is for. Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out?” He chuckled darkly at the cold tone in his own voice, just for a moment acknowledging how far he really had fallen. “But then that’s…that’s just how I roll.”

Dean said nothing. And continued to say nothing. There wasn’t anything like a judgmental figure from your past to make you re-evaluate just how much you had changed. Cas seemed to be getting his fair share of reminders of what used to be.

Of course he remembered what Dean had been like and knew the things that had changed most about him. He had watched as his Dean’s sense of humour had faded, how he had stamped down his emotions so far he practically became a machine. The day he had requested everyone leave the room when they tried to get information out of a captured demon was the day Cas knew he had crossed some line. That was the difference between ‘we’re going to beat this evil like all the others’ and ‘we’re going to fight until we can’t fight anymore’.

Things he had forgotten jumped out at him now. For a start this Dean just seemed more at peace, there was no tense crackle in the air around him but instead a calm kind of determination. Now he was sat in silence Cas realised how the Dean of now couldn’t do that; if he wasn’t talking he was doing, strategising, mapping. Castiel looked down and noticed the amulet lying on Dean’s chest.

The Dean he knew now had ripped the thing from around his neck the moment he realised Sam had said the big ‘yes’ and he couldn’t believe that his brother could be so stupid. After tossing it on the street and walking away he had regretted it of course. That had been back when he had expected that he would get Sam back. Once he realised his brother was long out of reach he had wanted back that one small reminder but he, like many people had found in the apocalypse, had to accept what he’d lost and move on.

As he glanced again at the pendant Dean turned too and caught him looking.

“What?” he growled, halfway between defensive and curious. Cas felt the small, reminiscent smile on his face and decided not to try and hide it.

“How’s Sam?” He asked fondly. Dean’s almost-smile quickly disappeared and he glared at the man next to him instead, not that it was enough to intimidate him at this point. “Back in your time. How is he?”

“He’s fine…he’s” A frown, “…I don’t know.” Dean admitted finally, dropping Cas’ gaze.

Cas raised his eyebrows in response. So the ball had started rolling, they had already begun down this path, he thought. Was Dean of now wrong, was it too late? Events had already started to unfold as they had always been intended. With the knowledge of a previously celestial being he knew that Fate was not easily outrun. The sisters were very persistent and the apocalypse was surely their raison d’être, though he had still held onto conviction in Dean’s belief. As he always had.

He also realised the Dean sat next to him was probably waiting for some kind of reply; reassurance maybe, or even acknowledgement Cas had even been listening. He found it surprisingly difficult to summon even the casual ‘huh’ that he gave after a noticeable pause.

“What? No snarky comment or ‘it doesn’t have to end like this’ speech? Just a ‘huh’?”

“What were you looking for?” Cas asked, glancing at Dean but concentrating on the road. When Dean didn’t answer immediately Cas realised this wasn’t their usual back and forth and he gave Dean a harder look.

“You, Cas. I’m trying to find you and, I don’t know, work you out.” Dean finally said and that wasn’t what Castiel had expected. Dean sounded open in a way Cas couldn’t remember anything like.

“He’s gone, Dean. You’re looking at a different, new Castiel. 2.0, if you will.” His reply was slightly more lacklustre than he had intended and it echoed in Dean’s reply.

“Yeah, I’m getting that.” Cas flinched internally, feeling as if Dean had struck him a physical blow. It was one thing to comment on how broken you had become, quite another for someone to agree. With nothing left to say their conversation lurched to an end and the rest of the journey was silent.

 

>><<>><<>><<>><<>><< 

 

When they got to their destination in the Hot Zone they gathered together, crouched between their cars for Dean to fully explain their plan. Castiel amused himself by trying to catch his eye and hiding the smirk every time the hunter deliberately looked straight past him. A little toying with the hard-faced, formidable bossman should have made him feel more like himself but he couldn’t get the same spark out of it as usual and he decided to focus instead on checking his gun.

When Dean pulled …Dean across, Cas knew exactly what he was concerned about. After all when you really knew the man his tells were unmistakeable. Cas just wondered how much the older Dean was going to reveal and watched them go curiously. After all, the opportunity to watch double the Deans was something he could enjoy, pushing aside the voice in his head that said he didn’t have time left to enjoy much of anything.

Only one Dean came back and their leader had them up and on the move before the rest of the team could comment on the absence, marching unwittingly towards their final destination.

Castiel fell into step with Dean, leading the charge and casually prompted him to satisfy his curiosity “So original flavour Dean figured out your plan and you knocked him out?”

“Not now, Cas.” Dean growled and Cas chuckled drily, the angry dismissal as good as a yes.

“If not now, when?” He contested in an innocent voice, causing Dean’s step to falter. He frowned at Castiel then sighed, the frustration etched in his tense shoulders.

“He was going to squeal on the plan.” Cas said nothing, silent encouragement for Dean to elaborate. “He said I was broken.” Dean admitted.

“Join the club.”

“I’ll kill him.”

“Sweet but I can take it. Plus you may have already done just that, leaving him unconscious for the Croats to enjoy.”

“He’s got Zachariah looking after him.”

“Oh, because you want to trust _that_ guy with your life, literally.”

“Why won’t you…look.” Dean frowned even more and focused in the ground in front of him. “I think this little game Zachariah is playing is pointless. You know he’ll never say yes because I never said yes.” _Until it was too late_ was an addendum that had been hanging over them for years.

“But you’re still trying to show him why he should. I know that means something. Maybe something to do with the fact your plan is so…insouciant?” The inevitable outcome of this mission hung unspoken between them. “You honestly believe we’ll have another chance if he does this right.” Cas said earnestly, not a question.

“Cas,”

“No, Dean.” Dean’s expression was uncomprehending, Cas smiled back at him fondly. “I couldn’t do more than I already have to show you that I trust you with my life.” Dean looked away, Cas had picked his words carefully, after all. “So just this once, you have to trust me. Trust the faith I have in you…and all possible incarnations of you.”

Dean’s eyes lifted to a point somewhere below the blue of the former angel’s, just as they reached the innermost gate of the compound. Here the two parties of the manoeuvre were to separate; Cas to go through the main door and Dean to go alone round the back.

“You know I…”

“Dean, not _yet_.” Castiel closed his fingers around the hunter’s wrist. “We’re not doing this now, because there _will_ be another chance. We will do this again and you will figure out how to do it right.”

“I’m sorry, Cas.”

That was the moment the rest of the crowd caught up and gathered around the two of them, looking to Dean for their next order to move. Castiel stepped back to join them and Dean gave him a lingering look for a moment before snapping his fearless leader façade back into place.

“Alright, we may have had an easy run so far but don’t drop your guard. Stay alert, stay alive. Good luck.” Dean gave his customary rousing speech, short and sweet, to stir the troops into action. Cas sighed, knowing they wouldn’t catch the emptiness of their leader’s eyes, he had been hiding behind a blank expression for far too long now.

In position, they were ready to go. Risa was leading the main group, not Castiel of course. He took up position at the back and on Risa’s silent signal the team began to move. Cas turned to meet Dean’s eye.

They stood in silence for a moment that seemed to stretch on and yet take no time at all before Cas pulled Dean’s face down, gently pressing his lips to the taller man’s forehead. Then Cas spoke and those 3 words triggered Dean to lean into him, tilting his head back up to hungrily crash their lips together. Their mouths met in familiar rhythm, the hunter hoping he could convey the gratitude and terror those words roused in him.

Pulling away too soon, Castiel was loathe to leave go of the other man’s hand. He had made the first move to separate but then seemed incapable of completing the action. Their time was limited before the other team realised they were a member short.

They turned away from each other, standing back to back and slowly their fingers untangled and they started walking in opposite directions. At this moment Castiel’s final three words were possibly the only grace that kept Dean’s feet moving forwards.

“I forgive you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know if this is any good so if you feel like telling me it's not, then you're just confirming my feelings but i wrote 8 pages and felt i may as well do something with it.
> 
> Half of this was written as i sat in hospital after a general anaesthetic so it took a fair bit of editing. I texted my Mum saying i'd figured out how to end my story and she replied with 'Hold on, you're not supposed to make important decisions for 24 hours.' Thought i'd share, it made me laugh.
> 
> Honestly, I just enjoy writing Endverse and seeing what the characters do.


End file.
